How do sex educators recommend addressing discomfort or height differences during mutual oral sex?
Executive summary
Sex educators advise treating height differences during mutual oral sex as a practical problem to be solved with communication, positioning and creativity rather than a limitation on intimacy; common recommendations include side-lying variations of 69, using cushions or laps as height-adjusters, alternating techniques (hands, toys, oral), and opting for non-penetrative sex when alignment is awkward [1] [2] [3] [4]. Practicality and consent are emphasized across sources: adapt positions to comfort, use props or furniture, and negotiate turns and boundaries so both partners feel seen and pleasurable [5] [6].
1. Keep alignment optional — broaden the menu beyond classic 69
Several sex educators explicitly recommend not forcing perfect alignment and instead reframing mutual oral as flexible: Gigi Engle and others suggest side-lying 69 or facing-each-other side positions that remove neck strain and leg interference, making oral easier when heights differ [1] [4]. Cosmopolitan’s sexologists advise the same mindset — relax and get creative with toys, hand stimulation, and mutual masturbation as equally valid options when classical positioning is uncomfortable [5] [3].
2. Use cushions, laps and furniture as simple height adapters
Practical hacks consistently appear in advice columns: cushions under a head or a partner’s hips can bring mouths into reach for mutual oral, and sitting in a partner’s lap (lotus-style) or using counters/chairs to change angles is commonly recommended to preserve eye contact and comfort [2] [3] [7]. These low-tech supports let partners retain intimacy without contorting necks or backs.
3. Alternate techniques — hands, toys and turns reduce strain and inequality
When direct oral is awkward, sex educators name alternatives that keep reciprocity intact: swapping oral for focused hand stimulation, introducing vibrators or rings that stimulate both partners, and taking turns so one person isn’t always giving are standard suggestions [5] [3] [6]. Lifehacker’s reporting echoes this by saying it may be better not to prioritize penetration — similarly, oral can be diversified with hands and toys to bridge physical mismatches [4].
4. Try position variations that protect the neck and back
Therapists and sex writers map out six oral positions explicitly to reduce neck strain and adjust for size gaps: sideways 69, partner-on-stomach variations, and propped positions behind or in front of a partner are offered as easier options when height differences are large [1]. Standing oral and propping one partner’s leg on a surface can open hip angles and decrease awkward bending, as noted in standing-sex guides [7].
5. Consider gear like swings or mounts for bigger mismatches
For couples seeking more mechanical solutions, sex educators point to sex swings and adjustable mounts as tools that standardize height and angle, offering an accessible way to suspend or support partners without contorting knees or risking falls [3]. These devices are presented as an extender of the “use props” principle rather than a mandatory purchase.
6. Talk about expectations — the oral-sex gap and negotiation matter
Beyond physical fixes, educators and commentators urge explicit negotiation about desires, limits and fairness because cultural patterns around who gives versus receives oral sex can create imbalance; reporting on the “oral sex gap” highlights differences in who performs oral acts and recommends communication and education to address inequities [8] [9]. Sources stress asking partners what they like and taking turns so mutual pleasure doesn’t become one-sided [6] [3].